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Quotes from me

A bunch of absurd or sarcastic quotes and replies from various sites. Warning! This page contains mostly nonsense, and furthermore, the bottom half of the page is in Swedish.

 

Stop copying others

Protip: If you don't know how to stop copying others, then just find someone who doesn't copy others and do what they do.
 
 

How We Could Build a Moon Base TODAY – Space Colonization 1 (youtube.com)

To be honest, I don't think there's any way we could build a moon base today. For one thing, it's already over 9 PM. Three hours to get to the moon and build a base? Forget it.
 
 

The most popular password in 2020 is 123456

Thanks, then I'll switch to that. It's embarrassing that I've had an unpopular password for years.
 
 

Context: Should we clap when a plane lands, to appreciate the difficult job of the pilots?

Most commercial aircraft can land completely automatically at many airports. Now, the pilots generally do land manually, but this is something that when everything goes well (99.999% of the time), a child could do.

That's just it, I'm clapping in case it was a child who landed the plane. Children need encouragement.
 
 

For some reason I'm confused about what day of the week it is. I need to keep reminding myself that it's Thursday.

I had the same problem, but I solved it by tattooing "Today is Thursday" onto the back of my hand. Of course, I have to remember to only look at my hand when it's Thursday, so it's not a perfect system.
 
 

Unfortunately people tend to ignore the harsh reality. I've met a lot of people who dream about moving to Japan just because they've watched Japanese anime and think they understand the country/culture. What's ironic is that they want to go to Japan to escape loneliness, but once they're actually there it's even more lonely

That's a lot of tough talk about people "ignoring reality", but what you haven't considered is that you can just befriend the cute creatures in the woods, like the kodama or bake-danuki or nobusuma. Maybe if you had watched more anime you would have learned about them.
 
 

Honestly I think I could live happily without the internet for a while. A year at least I think.

But then how would you brag about your happiness on Facebook? Your plan makes no sense.
 
 

Hedgehog awareness week!

The difficult thing is forgetting about them during the 51 hedgehog unawareness weeks.
 
 

Context: Discussion about selfies

Everybody is so egocentric nowadays that I wonder why phones even have rear-facing cameras.
 
I think it is so people can take photos of me.
 
 

Context: Someone is criticized for liking one tv show more than another

Are we not allowed to have different opinions?

Look, Hitler had a different opinion, and then he started WWII. We just can't take the risk of that happening again.

That is the most atrocious straw man argument I’ve ever heard…

I can't believe you would defend Hitler by criticizing me! But anyhow, we must do everything we can to stop another WWII. For one thing, it will be very confusing for historians if there are two WWIIs and no WWIII. And that is just one of my concerns with another war.
 
 

What is one thing you still do even though you're not poor anymore?

Check my bank account 800 times a day. Eat frozen garbage.

That's ridiculous! Now that you're financially stable, you could be eating fresh garbage! And once in a while you should treat yourself to the best garbage in town.
 
 

Context: Discussion about future smartphone innovations

How about, instead of having a screen on the front side of the phone, we put it on the back of the phone instead? And move the best camera to the front. It will be exactly the opposite of today's phones. I think it could be a hit.

Can't tell if sarcasm, but wouldn't that just be the same as turning your phone around and pretending that's the front?

Well, with my phone it wouldn't be pretend, that would be the actual front.
 
 

Context: Gun rights vs gun control

As an extreme gun rights advocate, I think guns should have the right to vote. Also, they should be freed from their servitude; it's a disgrace that humans can own them at all.

 
 

Deer kill more Americans a year than any other animal, and it's not even close. Granted, most of that is from traffic collisions, but still.

I think it's 60% traffic collisions, 30% deer poisoning people's coffee with arsenic, and 10% arson.

How can a deer poison someone coffee with arsenic ? ( Real question, we don't have deer where I live)

I don't understand how they can do it either. I guess they simply lack empathy and don't care about innocent coffee drinkers.
 
 

Context: "Pizzas are eaten from the inside out"

I have nearly always eaten pizzas from the outside in, with a knife and fork.

As a New Yorker, I have this strange urge to stab you.

Inconveniently for you, if you get this urge while we're eating pizza, then I will have a knife but you won't.
 
 

Cool. This picture is muscle mass in a 40-year-old thriathlete, a 74-year-old sedentary man, and a 70-year-old triathlete. 

The picture clearly shows that it doesn't matter how much you exercise – scientists will find a way to catch you and cut your legs into thin slices!

 

I thought about cutting out the letters p-o-l-i-c-e and c-h-i-c-a-g-o and b-r-a-n-d-o-n (the friend) and making him unscramble them... but that could take a while and be frustrating for him.

Also, he could have ended up with "Accordion-phobic Angel" , "Carcinogenic Bald Pooh", or "Heroic Cannibal Cop Dog".

 

39% of the world's population is overweight and that number is only getting bigger

2021: 39%
2022: 39%

 

I'm no "photographer" but I did take pride in getting good portraits of friends. To which I would always hear "wow your camera takes great pictures!" Anyway my friend and his wife decide to get a DSLR so they can take great photos like me. After week one I get a pleasant call, "ok the camera isn't all there is to it."

That's a great comment, what keyboard do you use?

 

I like that European bumblebees actually look like bumblebees. 

What do your bumblebees look like? I've been to the US but I can't recall seeing any bumblebees. Then again, maybe they look exactly like European poodles or something and it turns out I have seen American bumblebees but thought they were dogs.

Thats some big fucking bumblebees

I don't know about that, Swedish poodles are so tiny that tens of thousands fit into a single poodlehive.

 
Some guys don't understand how different many girls look without makeup

I live with 4 women aging from 12 to 70 I can take a solid guess on the before and after.

Plot twist: It's just one woman, but you think it's four due to varying amounts of makeup.

 
As Demetri Martin said, when someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.

I can't find the clip. Do you have a link?

As a taxpayer, I'm not going to give you the link.

 

Brits drive on the wrong side of the road.

I don't know how they do it. In Sweden we all drive on the top side and it's the only side that makes sense to me.

 

I convinced my friend this one for no good reason at all: They are called buzzards in the air, and vultures once they've landed.

As we know, space rocks are called meteoroids while they're in space, meteors within the Earth's atmosphere, and meteorites once they've landed. This suggests that buzzards have a third name for when they're hurtling through space.

 

Context: Discussion about annoying movie tropes

It's common in real life that people don't communicate with even basic information that might help resolve a situation or avoid interpersonal conflict.

I have lots of excellent evidence that people never fail to provide relevant information, but I'm not going to give it to you.

 

Context: Discussion about scientific best practices

I once drew a conclusion from a sample size of one, and that worked, so it should work most of the time.

 

Catching Fire made $150 million, Mockingjay Part 1 made $120 million, and Part 2 made $100 million. Any reasonable person would think of that as a pretty significant dropoff.

I think I speak for all unreasonable people when I say that we actually see it as a mild increase. It's so typical of you to only appeal to the opinions of reasonable people, as if we others don't count. There are many of us and you can't ignore us forever.

 

Context: Discussion about the board game Horseless Carriage

Why a horseless carriage, in particular? You couldn't fit any large animal on there.

It feels to me that, for completeness, the title of the game should list all animals not featured in the game.

 

A coworker: "Don't you think you are being a bit inconsiderate, being so tall?"
I still don't know what they were trying to say

Don't be hogging all the height, asshole

 

Swedish

Det snöar ute.

Inte särskilt förvånande. Det är där det brukar snöa.
 
 


Sammanhang: Diskussion med kristen evolutionsmotståndare

Vet du att anledningen till att evolutionsteorin accepterades inte var för att den var vetenskapligt bevisad.....utan för att man med den kunde rättfärdiga slavhandeln...

Precis så var det! De hade hemska problem med att rättfärdiga slavhandeln under de tusentals år den pågick i världen - Egypten, Grekland, Romarriket, USA, etc. Men i slutet av 1800-talet så accepterades evolutionsteorin i västvärlden och sedan dess har slavhandeln i Väst fullkomligen exploderat! Bland de få motståndarna märks Bibelbältet i den amerikanska södern, som tack vare sin tro aldrig kunnat acceptera slaveri utan alltid kämpat mot det.
 
 
varför skulle neger vara fult är du fult att säga färgen svart på spanska också?
 
Jag vet! Alldeles nyss var det någon som blev sur för att jag kallade honom en idiot, trots att jag försökte förklara att ordet är grekiskt och bara betyder ”privatperson”. Men han bara babblade om att ord kan ändra betydelser och få ”negativa konnotationer” och sånt skitsnack. o_O
 
 
Sammanhang: Facebook-inlägg
 
Malin:
Jag skulle väldigt gärna vilja ha en kopp varm choklad och några nybakade kanelisar. Kan någon bjuda över?    

Jag betalar hundra kronor mer ifall jag får chokladen och kanelisarna som Malin vill ha! (Var det så du menade?)

 
 
Sammanhang: Karta som visar var i Sverige som man säger "snowracer" och var man säger "bob".
 

Jag har alltid sagt Bob, men enligt kartan borde jag tydligen kalla honom Snowracer Dylan.

 
 
Sammanhang: Jobbannons
 
Vi har en liten besöksgård med ett stort fågelhus, nu behöver vi hjälp med att rita en översiktskarta över parken. Vi erbjuder 500:- eller högstbjudande.

Jag kan tänka mig att rita en för 600 miljoner miljarder kronor.

 
 
Sammanhang: Facebook-foto på snigel med långt slemspår
 
Vår hussnigel är bäst på att klättra högt innan slemmet torkar. 
 
Jag är glad för er skull, men samtidigt så bidrar ju sådana här Facebookinlägg till att öka samhällets statusjakt och tvingar alla andra att lägga mer tid på att skaffa snabbare sniglar.

 
 
Sammanhang: Mediapanik om leksaksknogjärn
 
Kan inte på något sätt bli upprörd över fantasyknogjärn i skumgummi. Är det värre än att "låtsasskjuta" någon med en knallpulverpistol? Eller "låtsaskriga"?

En sak man ofta glömmer när man pratar om låtsaskrig är att det ibland är med helt påhittade låtsasbarn i dem och för dem är det på allvar. Om man inte existerar så är ett skott med en låtsaspistol något av det allvarligaste som kan hända en. Debatten fokuserar ofta mycket snävt på barn som faktiskt existerar.

 
 
Sammanhang: Någon persons egendomliga beteende beskrivs
 
Snacka om autism

Okej då! Autism är en utvecklingsrelaterad funktionsnedsättning som kan göra att folk tar andras uttalanden alldeles för bokstavligt.

 
 
Sammanhang: Första maj
 
har du demonstrerat idag, hm? :)

Jag har demonstrerat lite sådär försynt här hemma i lägenheten. Jag är så himla himla blyg, jag skulle aldrig våga göra det ute bland folk.

vad demonstrerade du för/mot?

Jag demonstrerande för/mot narkotika.

 

vet du hur du jobbar nästa fredag förresten?

Jag kommer jobba vilt och otyglat, men ändå med ett slags bitter melankoli.

 

grattis till din papap
pappa, even

"Se upp för pappan!" " *Vilken* papapapapap...."
 
 

Mikael:
Det där är precis vad myndigheterna vill att vi ska tro. Alla vetenskapsmän är lejda lakejer och wikipedia är hackad.

Wikipedia är inte hackad! De har jättehög säkerhet och jag är så trött på hysteriska konspirationsteoretiker som får det att låta som om vem som helst skulle kunna gå in på Wikipedia och skriva något.

 

Sammanhang: Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey är barntillåten i Sverige, men har 15-årsgräns i Danmark.
 
Min teori är att Danmark är så platt att danska barn har svårt att överhuvudtaget föreställa sig höjd-dimensionen. Att berätta att rymden existerar skulle bara göra dem upprörda i onödan.
 
 

Hanna:  
Solen lyser och jag är ledig idag! Läser pocketbok ute på altanten. :)

Först trodde jag att du skrev "atlanten", men nu inser jag att du menade en tant. Som är gjord av al.