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Nativity play

Act 1

Narrator [clears his throat]: And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.

And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; because he was of the house and lineage of David: To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

Mary: Dear husband, we have walked so far. I am weary of traveling.
Joseph: Do not despair, my beloved wife. We will be in Bethlehem by twilight.
Mary: I only pray that the hotels aren't full. Only the very best is good enough for the Son of God; Jesus.
Joseph: "Hubert".
Mary: Excuse me?
Joseph: His name will be Hubert.
Mary: Oh, don't start that again. Jesus or nothing at all.
Joseph: Hubert, now that's a name. "Jesus", that sounds like some fucking dork.
Mary [imitating Joseph]: "Sound like some fucking dork". If something sounds dorky, then it's "Hubert".
[superciliously] You know, an angel actually came to me the other night and said his name was going to be Jesus.
Joseph [sarcastically]: Yeah. Sure. Rrrrright!
Mary: What's more, as you're obviously not the child's father, I can't see why your opinion would matter at all.

Narrator[interrupts]: While Joseph and Mary continued to quarrel, two nazis suddenly appeared in a time machine.

[Two nazis appear. One throws himself over Mary with a bloodcurdling scream and stabs her to death with a knife. Mary dies, very theatrically.]

Narrator: One of the nazis kills Mary with a large knife.
Nazi 2 [calming down his companion]: Easy, easy.
[to Joseph] Please excuse my companion. We're two nazis who've come here in a time machine to kill Jews. We're going to take revenge on them since they once killed God's son.
Joseph: Oh. Well, my name is Joseph; I'm a carpenter.
Nazis 1 & 2 [in shock, staring at each other]: Joseph...but, it couldn't be...? [calms down] The child...the unborn child...what was its name?
Joseph: "Hubert".
Narrator: End of act one. Act two starts.

Act 2

Narrator[clears his throat]]: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

In a completely different field, some distance away, a herd of cows was busy talking secretively, unaware that Joseph was spying on them.

Cow 1: Mooooooooo!
Cow 2: Mooooooooo!
Cow 3: Oh, stop that! We have to plan how to conquer the world. Cow number one, how far has your project group come in developing a machine that will help us conquer the world?
Cow 1: Our machine works well. Pretty well. It makes yoghurt.
Cow 3: I don't really see how that will help us conquer the world.
[Cow 1 looks nervous and confused]
Cow 2: But with our machine, you can easily conquer the world!
Cow 3: So what does it do?
Cow 2: It creates a new, and much better kind of, cow.
[The cows are exuberant with happiness]
All the cows [leaving]: World domination! World domination!
Narrator: At the same time, Mary woke up in her bed.
Mary [rubbing her eyes]: I had the strangest dream...I and Joseph were on our way to Bethlehem, and then some nazis came in a time machine from the future.
Joseph [rushing into the room, out of breath]: Mary! Wake up! I've been spying on the cows, and they have a dastardly plan to conquer the earth! But I know how to stop them! All we need to do is...
[Joseph falls to the ground, dead]
Narrator: Alas, Joseph was unable to finish his sentence, as he suddenly died of old age. While Mary mourns her husband's death, someone knocks on the door.
Scout: I'm from the scouts. Would you like to buy some cookies?
Mary [concentrating]: Ha! I'll use my mental powers to transform you into a water melon!
Scout: Oh no! She's using her mental powers to transform me into a water melon!
Narrator: Mary uses her mental powers to transform the scout into a water melon.
[A sign that says "Melon" and features an arrow, pointing downwards, is held up over the scout.]
Mary: Now I'll go to search for the cows!
Narrator: End of act two. The last act starts.

Act 3

Narrator[clears his throat]: Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.

When Herod the king had heard these things, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him. And when he had gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, he demanded of them where Christ should be born.

Of course, this is completely irrelevant for our story, which takes place in a field that's full of cows. They've brought their machines, which are located there and there. [points them out]

Mary: Ha! Your devilish plan won't succeed! I will destroy the machine, even if I'll have to sacrifice my life! [throws herself over the machine]
Narrator: Mary throws herself over the machine, which is destroyed, but she is at the same time killed by the angry cows.
Cow 1: But which machine was destroyed? The cow machine or the yoghurt machine? It's impossible to tell them apart!
Cow 2: She actually destroyed the cow machine. We'll have to cancel our conquest.
Cow 3: No, we don't! I have a plan!

Narrator: In a way that's hard to describe in detail, the ambitious cows succeeded in taking over the earth using their new, improved yoghurt. Truly, it is as it says in the Bible:

"The path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. But the way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble".

[pause for applause]