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Quotes from the internet

Here's a bunch of short quotes I've found on various forums and sites and found amusing enough to save.
 

 

Propulsion1:
Before homecoming I printed out a whole bunch of flyers that I stuck on billboards all around the school. These flyers were banning the students from doing the dance "The Wellington". There was no dance called "The Wellington" but it sure got the school talking about this forbidden mystery dance.

 

What's the most unromantic petname you have called your SO?

"Meat blanket." His body temp is really warm, so I use him for heat. He took offense, so I changed it to "meat blanket with feelings."

 

Just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. sending all my thoughts and prayers

she's dead?

no. she's still making music. :-(

 

Context: "Microsoft acquires Minecraft"

IncognitoErgoSum:
My 14 year old son - Minecraft player for a few years - on hearing the news commented "They'll probably add Clippy for Minecraft: It looks like you're punching a tree, would you like some help with that?".

thelonius:
Wasn't Clippy dead before he was born? What kind of parenting have you been doing, teaching him about Clippy?

griphus:
Would you rather he learn about Clippy on the street?

 

For Martin Luther King day I decided to color the B&W image of his speech in DC.

Am I missing something? I only see the content of his character.

 

we literally badgered them into giving us this sneak peak

What, with real badgers?

 

The name of the phenomenon of white people being strongly attracted to Asian people is commonly called Yellow Fever. The same phenomenon of white people being attracted to black people is often called Jungle Fever. What's it called when non-white people are attracted to white people?

Growing up in Philly's inner city, we called them 'Pollies' as in 'Polly wants a cracker.'

 
Genetically, you are 50% banana.

Personality-wise, I'm probably closer to 80%.

I think it's scarier that bananas are 50% people.

 
nice spelling douche bag

Nice punctuation, douche bag.

Nice, punctuation douche bag.

 

Context: Pornstar Keiran Lee answers questions from the internet

TheEssence:
Have you ever done a Russian Bake Sale? 

KeiranLee:
Nope....what is it

TheEssence:
Its when you bake bread, cookies or muffins using traditional Russian recipes then sell them to tourists.

 
If you are drinking your morning coffee at 8 AM, is that really the best time? The circadian rhythm of cortisol production would suggest not.

weapons-grade pandemonium:
Everyone in favor of having someone tell us the best time to do everything so that we can become better people raise your right hand. No, not now. I'll tell you when. 

 
Facebook keeps suggesting that I should become friends with someone who's dead. It does get annoying after a while.

Does it have someone particular in mind or is it just more of a general lifestyle suggestion?

 
Girls can wear make up and push up bras and this is appealing. But when I wear make up and put a cucumber down my pants, people avoid me.

tragic-waste-of-skin:
The cucumber goes in the front.

 

Please tell me the most Dad thing your dad has ever done 

troika:
My dad refers to every land mammal as a deer. If a squirrel runs across the road, he calls out "Did you see that deer?" or my cousin in the backyard, Shhhh, we don't want to scare away the deer over by the woodpile." Actual deer are, of course, large worms.

 

Context: Dads acting crazy/violent to scare their daughter's boyfriend

5_13_23_42_69_666:
my dad once tried this a long time ago - he showed a boyfriend of mine his sword collection, and then asked "so are your intentions with my daughter honourable?" The effect was sort of spoiled, though, because in the awkward silence following it, everyone heard me mutter "god I hope not" 

 
What are your best tips for people new to clubbing?

I hate clubs. I'm definitely more of a bar guy though. Bars just have a much nicer feel to them. It helps that they have a little bit more weight to them so the seal dies right away.

Don't get too self conscious, just imagine you are at home listening to your favourite tunes and club that seal as if no one is watching.

The trick is to find a place with good music. It helps soothe the animal before you take its life.

 

People with boyfriends and girlfriends; how did you meet them?

She stabbed me 5 times in the chest. After months of practice, I learned how to keep her from doing that. I met her in fencing.

 

Context: "36 variant covers of the upcoming issue of Life with Archie commemorate his upcoming death."

You could think of it as Ultimate Peter Parker's death vs. 616 Peter (uh, also dead, but for different and more temporary reasons).

This is yet another one of those times when a sentence makes crystal-clear sense to me and I am left wondering whether I've wasted the precious few years we are allotted on this earth.

 

When I got home this evening I found a loaf of white bread and a package of hamburger buns sitting on my doorstep. I am completely at a loss. I'm in the Normal Heights neighborhood of San Diego and spend several days a month not at home for 1-3 days at a time - this bread could have been deposited any time between Saturday afternoon and this evening. Any ideas Metafilter???

I suggest you leave the bread on your lawn with a big posterboard sign saying "WHY?!" staked in next to it.

 

Context: National Geographic writes: "There will soon be seven billion people on the planet."

Every single one of those 7 billion people on Earth is a valuable, fascinating, unique individual

Greg Nog:
Yesterday my colleagues were talking about baked potatoes. They were eating baked potatoes at the time, and I overheard them from my cubicle. "I like baked potatoes," said one. The other said, "Yeah baked potatoes are good." The first one said, "Maybe I should've bought two baked potatoes!" and the other said, "I think one baked potato is all I need." Then the first one said, "It's been a while since I've had a baked potato." And then the second one said, "I had a baked potato last week. It was at a restaurant." The first one said, "Yeah, I usually just get baked potatoes at restaurants. I almost never make them at home." And the second one said, "Yeah, me too. This is a good baked potato, though." I guess what I'm saying is that I think I may have counterexamples to your claim.

 
How can I measure the weight of my head without cutting it off? It's really important.

Cut off half your head, weigh it, and multiply the result by two?

Just find someone with a head about the same size as yours and cut theirs off. Should give you a pretty good idea. To be on the safe side, you may want to do this five or more times and take the average.

I think the solution probably involves being hung by your heels from a spring-scale with your head in a vat of liquefied heads to achieve neutral head buoyancy, and then subtracting the reading on the spring-scale from the known weight of your entire body.

I just want to put in another vote for NOT cutting your head off. It will be difficult to cut your head off without losing a lot of the blood weight.

Well, the most accurate way other than cutting off your head would be the following:

1) Weigh yourself
2) Cut off your body
3) Subtract weight of body from initial measurements.

 

funny-chubby-awesome:
Mother of three, and I fancy myself a bit of a troll mom. I have established a lot of arbitrary if not odd rules, mostly to amuse myself.

For example: if anyone asks the time the answer must be 'it's time to get ill' or you get an extra chore assigned on the chore chart, if one repeats the phrase 'right now' it must be repeated 'right meow' or you have litter box duty an extra week, disagreements are ONLY settled with air hockey tournaments (the youngest is given a 3-point handicap), sneezes and bodily functions are replied with 'the Force is strong in you', they are allowed to jump on my bed (a soft and springy king, perfect for shenanigans) but must consult a 20-sider as to how many jumps they're allowed that day, everyone gets one veto per day (within reason, you HAVE to go to school, but you can veto yogurt in your lunch), and we don't have a swear jar (my children are allowed to swear as long as it's appropriate and grammatically correct, and in our home) but we do have a split-infinitive/double negative/misused preposition jar.

I love when they come home from a friend's house and declare other families 'weird'.

 

Woke up one morning with a 15 pound rock in my bed and a girl on the floor. I got really hammered and went to the bar with a large group of friends. Blacked out before we got to the bar. Apparently I had found this huge rock outside and was amazed by how awesome it was. So, in my drunken stupor, I decided to bring it into the bar in order to bring it back to my apartment. It apparently worked very well as a wingman because women were very intrigued why I had this huge rock with me. I apparently was telling everyone it saved my life as a child (don't know how it would have saved my life but whatever) and that it was our anniversary so I brought it out to party. Brought a girl home and when we were finished with our premarital sex told her she had to sleep on the floor because my rock always slept next to me. Haven't laughed harder at myself than that morning.

 

Context: On the personhood of corporations

Where do you check a corporation to ascertain its gender? 

Riki tiki:
The dicks usually seem to be at the top.

 

Nomyte:
as a toddler of four, I had a habit of walking up to people, wrapping my arms around their thighs, and biting them on the stomach.

Now, in my twenties, I no longer do this, unless the situation absolutely requires it.

 

Context: Extremely short horror stories

UnSane:
You wake suddenly, with a jerk.

 

What is the worst thing someone has said to you during sex?

Blackbyrd82:
Not me, but an old friend of mine.

Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.

He's dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He's hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn't dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they'll revisit the idea another time.

Anyway...they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.

He comes up with: "Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?"

He's never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.

 

Nola:
I once asked a Rand fanboy, why he was trying to persuade me on the merits of objectivism; was it for his benefit or mine? He said it was for mine, I said that was very selfless of him. He promptly shut up.

 

Context: Online test: How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight?

The test said 21, but I wouldn't be comfortable taking on more children than I could realistically eat later.

 

Ken Demarest (programmer of Wing Commander):
Back on Wing Commander 1 we were getting an exception from our EMM386 memory manager when we exited the game. We'd clear the screen and a single line would print out, something like "EMM386 Memory manager error. Blah blah blah." We had to ship ASAP. So I hex edited the error in the memory manager itself to read "Thank you for playing Wing Commander."

 

dash_slot:
"Fuck me, you're quick."

mr_crash_davis:
Usually when I hear those phrases they're separated by 45 seconds or so.

 

What is your all-time favorite Short Story?

The classic Hemingway shortest story --
"These shoes, the ones made for babies to wear because they're tiny, well they're on sale! Never been worn, because the baby died or some shit so it's a real steal at this price baby!"

Hemingway's subtlety was amazing.

 

Context: "When Paris Hilton's cell phone was famously hacked in 2005, some tech sites reported that criminals simply used her dog's name, easily found online, to break in."

It's Raining Florence Henderson:
I change my dog's name every 3 months just to be on the safe side; yet ironically, that just seems to make my dog increasingly insecure.

 

Kuiper:
Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.

kikuichimonji:
Why does it seem like every time you join this channel, you end up talking about the weather? Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather? Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather. I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live. Let's start there. What do you do for a living?

Kuiper:
I'm a meteorologist.

 

Khassaki:
HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!

Judge-Mental:
try pressing the the Caps Lock key

Khassaki:
O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

Judge-Mental:
fuck me

 

 

Greatgreen:
I'm going to fail :(

NumberGuy:
think positively

Greatgreen:
I'm going to fail :)

 

bill:
I'm taking the AP calc test tomorrow--does anyone have any last minute tips?

MSINISTER:
dont put metal in a microwave!
good luck!

 

HeavenlyAction:
Jag försöker att vara glad över det jag har istället för ledsen över det jag inte har. Just nu är jag glad över migrän. 

 

kinema:
Vid mjolken i min skola star det av nagon anledning ”Orka vara speciell!” och det drojde sakert ett och ett halvt ar innan jag insag att de anvande ordet Orka pa det gamla viset, och inte pa det moderna ironiska sattet.