Oneliners

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

• My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. -- Jackie Mason

• They laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! -- Bob Monkhouse

• I am a Patriot who believes you should never burn the American flag. Because I'm an environmentalist I recommend boiling the American flag. -- David Feldman

• I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -- Mark Twain

• It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. If Pacman had affected kids born in the eighties, they'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to monotonous electronic music.

• I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving. -- Sarah Silverman

• The people who live in a Golden Age usually go around complaining how yellow everything looks. -- Randall Jarrell

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well, look what's telling me that. -- Emo Phillips

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips

• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips

• When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Emo Phillips

• When I was six, my family moved to a new city, but fortunately I was able to track them down. -- Emo Phillips

• Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. -- George Burns

• You say I'm afraid of commitment, but maybe it's you that's afraid of total uncertainty. -- Cyranet.com greeting card

• The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals, it's just that they need more supervision. -- Lynn Lavner

• The Washington Bullets are changing their name. The owners no longer want their team's name to be associated with crime. So from now on the team will be known as The Bullets. -- Argus Hamilton

• Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in. -- Katharine Whitehorn

• She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. -- Robertson Davies

• We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -- Noel Coward

• I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx

• I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. -- Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow

• Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. -- Dave Barry

• To Joanna:
  My brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing and endures all, and writes my dedications. --  A.P. Malvino, Electronic Principles (1993)

• How can they tell? -- Dorothy Parker (hearing of Calvin Coolidge's death)

• Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. - Stan Kelly-Bootle

• Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you fall down a manhole and die. -- Mel Brooks

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

• Some people are like slinkys. Not really good for anything, yet you can't help but smile when they tumble down stairs.

• I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid. -- James Demastus

• Jag är djupt rörd, nästan vispad... -- Bengt-Arne Andersson

• In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. -- Kathy Norris

• I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo. Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't happen. -- Extract from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop

• Att påstå att kärleken skulle övervinna allt är rentav löjligt. Exempel på vad kärlek inte överlever: några mils avstånd, impotens, otrohet, fula husdjur, byte av frisyr, alkoholism, skilda politiska åsikter, störande ex, svartsjuka och namnet Knut. Faktan är baserad på både mina och andras förhållanden. -- okänd skribent på Elakpistol

• hur menar du då? jag tog det för att jag är svarthårig.. -- BlackHead T18 från Ervalla i Örebro län

• America was not discovered by Americans - shame on them.

• Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. -- Terry Pratchett

• "He should be so lucky." NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell, on an erroneous closed-caption news report that her husband, Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, had been hospitalized "with an enlarged prostitute." He had undergone prostate surgery.

• I've learned that I cannot make someone love me. All I can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

• It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg

• The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. -- Larry Hardiman

• I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

• There is a thin line between fishing and standing on a shore like an idiot. -- Steven Wright

• Cross-country skiing is great...if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright

• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. -- Steven Wright

• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Steven Wright

• I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one. -- Steven Wright

• Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

• Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. -- Steven Wright

• Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just part of the way the world works. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things. -- Douglas Adams

• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. -- Mitch Hedberg

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless. -- Mitch Hedberg

• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. -- Mitch Hedberg

• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. -- Mitch Hedberg

• So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. -- Demetri Martin

• Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”. -- Demetri Martin

• I went to call my friend, I said, "Hello, is Chris there?" The lady said, "You have the wrong number." and I said, "No--I'm trying to avoid him." -- Demetri Martin

• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it. -- George Carlin

• We have polluted the skies, we have poisoned the oceans, we have burned the rain forests. (By "we," I mean me and my best friend, Ethan.) -- Dan Liebert

Self-reference

• If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig. -- Uilliam Bricken Jr.

• This gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked from context. -- David Moser

• Thit sentence is not self-referential because 'thit' is not a word. -- Douglas Hofstadter

• There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

• In order to make sense of "this sentence" you will have to ignore the quotes in "it". -- Douglas Hofstadter

• This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

• "Playing with the use-mention distinction" isn’t "everything in life, you know". -- Douglas Hofstadter

• Let us make a new convention: that anything enclosed in triple quotes — for example, ‘‘‘No, I have decided to change my mind; when the triple quotes close, just skip directly to the period and ignore everything up to it’’’— is not even to be read (much less paid attention to or obeyed). -- Douglas Hofstadter

• Believing this statement will make you happier. -- Ryan Lortie

Bad analogies

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

• The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Bad opening lines for novels

• Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating.

• In anticipation, John licked his own lips. -- A. Lloyd

• Someone later remarked that the day had flown by, but to Werner Davis, it had seemed an eternity, passing like a kidney stone - slowly and excruciatingly - through the ureter of his life.

• He walked into the place, looking at the stuff the guy had given him, comparing it to the things at the other place, and his face erupted in a big expression.

• Genevieve ran toward the door as it slowly closed and grabbed Emil by the lapels of his rain-soaked camouflage jacket, drawing him into her warm embrace, burying her tear-streaked face in the nape of his neck and weeping uncontrollably, as might a mother clutching her son returned home from the horrors of the battlefield, a response Emil could scarcely recall receiving from other WalMart greeters.

• Percival's mind often wandered as he worked, and he would think endlessly, thinking about thinking, thinking about thinking about thoughts about thinking, and thoughts thereupon thunk, until in his reverie he fell from the mizzen mast into the briny depths of the great sea and was never heard from again, which is why this story does not involve him.

• The alien's single eye glowed on its stalk like the headlight of a police motorcycle pursuing a speeder on a dark highway on a stormy night, its ears protruding from its head like an old Garfield toy beginning to fall off the suction cups sticking it to the rear windshield of a battered Lincoln Towncar, and its lips, thick and rubbery like a spandex bathing suit on an overweight retired bodybuilder, struggled to form the words, 'I love you.'

• "You shall bear many children," he toasted, "and feed them with your ample breasts," and I was sure I'd married the right man.

• The door dilated¹.

  ¹This is in the future, when doors dilate instead of opening the way they do now.

• John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, "How do you like surfing?"

• Sadly, Jim retracted his penis; it obviously wasn't welcome here. -- Alex Burleson

• Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

Simpsons quotes

• It isn't easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. -- Homer Simpson

• Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! (pause) Except the weasel. -- Homer Simpson

• If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such -- Homer Simpson

• He has all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy... (pause) ...a dinosaur! --Homer Simpson

• Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. -- Homer Simpson

• Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? -- Homer Simpson

• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! -- Homer Simpson

• Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. -- Homer Simpson

• Homer Simpson: "Mr Burns, you're the richest person I know".
  Mr Burns: "Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more".

Newspaper headlines

• Incest more common than thought in US

• Kids make nutritious snacks

• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

• Iraqi head seeks arms

• Prostitutes appeal to pope

• Squad helps dog bite victim

• Miners refuse to work after death

• Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

• Eighth army push bottles up Germans